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Joke of the Day

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Phillip Gross on May 28th 2016, 4:41 pm

Grandpa The Gambler

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Phillip Gross on May 28th 2016, 4:47 pm

And another little one for your reading enjoyment: Wink


A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.

Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Mark Jones on May 28th 2016, 5:00 pm

Click. Just flipped the safety off my pellet gun.

Nice one.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Claymore on May 28th 2016, 5:16 pm

Phillip Gross wrote:

...

..............................But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


You Rat!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ccm2361 on May 28th 2016, 6:50 pm

LOL

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by joecool on May 28th 2016, 10:00 pm

aargh That's 5 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Phillip Gross on May 28th 2016, 10:14 pm

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Claymore on May 29th 2016, 11:23 pm

joecool wrote:aargh  That's 5 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.


Yeah!

............and at THIS Point in your Life, you haven't got too many to spare!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Canadarangers on May 29th 2016, 11:50 pm

Stooges

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Phillip Gross on July 11th 2016, 9:15 am

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down......

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that
have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble?”

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Mark Jones on July 11th 2016, 4:11 pm

Good one.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ccm2361 on July 25th 2016, 4:02 pm

LOL

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by joecool on July 31st 2016, 3:22 pm

During WWII, a tough Ghurka platoon was taken for a training jump and the British sergeant said, "Now men, we will jump from 5000 feet."

There was terrific unrest as the translator delivered the message. The sergeant said, "What's wrong?"

The translator said, "The men would prefer to jump from 1000 feet."

"But that's too low," the sergeant said. "Their parachutes won't have time to open."

The translator spoke to the men, and they all smiled and were agreeable. The sergeant said, "Now what's going on?"

"Sahib," the translator replied, "the men did not know they were to have parachutes."

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Phillip Gross on August 1st 2016, 9:34 pm

Laughing That was a good one.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by joecool on August 12th 2016, 10:20 am

How do you starve a Democrat?


Hide his EBT card under his work boots.

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Claymore on August 12th 2016, 12:28 pm

Ouch!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Mark Jones on August 12th 2016, 1:01 pm

Good one. I will share that one with my wife tonight.

Ha!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by joecool on August 12th 2016, 9:24 pm

Don't think I've shared this anywhere on the forum before...true story.

It was a slow, lazy Sunday morning steaming in the North Pacific Ocean. I was up on the bridge as officer of the deck, along with my assistant, a green Ensign. I saw a whale and pointed it out, and then another, and another. Try as he might, the kid couldn't see one before I did. He paced back and forth deep in thought, and then swiveled around. "Sir, do you think I could see a whale on radar?"

I thought for a second and then responded. "I doubt it. And even if you did, it would just be a fluke."

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Phillip Gross on August 12th 2016, 10:24 pm

Waka waka!

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ccm2361 on August 20th 2016, 10:23 pm

wow that was lame Laughing

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by joecool on April 9th 2017, 11:53 pm

A man put an ad in the paper, and a young blonde woman answered it.

The homeowner said, "I need someone to paint my porch. You have to strip the paint, fill in any holes, prime it, and put two coats of paint on it. Can you do it for $500?"

"Sure", she said. Six hours later, she knocked on his door to tell him she was finished. "Really?" he said. "You stripped off the paint, filled in the holes, primed it and put on two coats of paint?"

"I sure did!" So the homeowner paid her $500.

As she was walking away, she stopped and turned to say, "But you should know that it wasn't a porch. It's a Lamborghini."

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Claymore on April 10th 2017, 12:46 pm

A Blonde died and went to the Base of the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said, "I'm sorry, but your records show that you are right on the edge of getting turned away. You have had a problem with Self-Control throughout your entire life, but there is a test that you can do to gain your Self-Control and pass into Heaven."

"There are ninety-nine stairs here that lead up to the entrance. I am going to let you go up one stair. On each stair, I will tell you a joke. If you can maintain your composure, Self-Control, and not laugh, you can pass through the Gates."

So she starts up the stairs. On each step, Saint Peter tells her a joke, and she remains completely composed and straight-faced. Through all 99 steps, Saint Peter uses all of his best jokes. She still remains straight-faced.

After completing all ninety-nine stairs, Saint Peter says, "I am amazed. You were impulsive and without Self-Control for all of your life, but you managed to compose yourself through this entire test. You may pass into the Gates."

The Blonde steps off of the platform at the top of the stairs and walks through the Pearly Gates. As she gets about twenty feet into Heaven, she starts to giggle, then chuckle, then laugh uncontrollably.

Saint Peter says, "What's going on? You maintained Self-Control through all ninety-nine steps, and now you are falling apart."

The Blonde turned back to him and said, "I just got the First Joke!"

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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ccm2361 on April 10th 2017, 5:00 pm

LOL

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Re: Joke of the Day

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